The adventures of Hughie and Stan - Tweeting the World Cup

Written by Dave Allan Monday, 07 June 2010 20:02

England World Cup Blog

If you play with Twitter then I would seriously recommend following this account of a surreal journey (literally) across continents as Stan is attempts to return a bag to an unnamed England football player. To get there he has been recruited by part human burger van owner Hughie. From Scotland to Nottingham via Grimsby on route to South Africa and the World Cup, we pick up the story again in High Wycombe and follow their journey to Marseille and beyond and hopefully to South Africa.

Read part one here

 

 

Tuesday, 1st of June

 Hi I'm Stan and I'm a Scot heading to the World Cup in a burger van with my mate Hughie. Join
us!
 

23 announced today. If Hughie could pick 23, it would be skin ailments thus greatly reducing his
need to perpetually scratch his "area".
 

In High Wycombe for the lunch rush listening out for England news. Hughie glued to the radio,
which will mean another trip to the hospital.
 

Hughie back from ER, radio successfully removed. Docs pronounced him dead due to smell and
lack of brain activity. He's in a right huff.
 

A tried an tested squad then. They'll be looking for the same kind of solid constancy as Hughie's
Scots/English combo beverage, porridge tea
 

Hughie has banned my Palace inspired "Eagle Burger" after it drew an unmerited visit from the
RSPB. Just a delicious misunderstanding.
 

Out in High Wycombe. Bouncers at the Antelope meant to be hard so Hughie busily applying his
make up in anticipation of a satisfying beating
 

Supposed to be meeting some of Hughie's family who live nearby in a discarded barrel. They're
moving to a hovel as soon as their luck turns.

 

Learning more about Hughie's fascinating family background. Had no idea that people and
manatees could breed. Explains the flippers.
 

Hughie is teaching the pub staff how to make traditional Scottish stovies, which is basically stew
mixed with grit, rain water and misery.

 

Got to love the Beeb for these classic highlights http://bit.ly/9kuBq3 - loads of chances, two off
and one of the all time great WC goals.

 

Wednesday, 2nd of June 

 

To London to meet a Pearly King. Hughie produces pearls from flaps beneath his moobs. No
monetary value though because of the salt content.
 

Hi, I'm Stan. Join me and my pal Hughie as we drive to the World Cup in our burger van,
redefining delicious as we go!
 

Wonder what the 7 dropped are doing today. Moping about or sorting out their wall chart and
getting the beers in?
 

Both very excited about getting to London, home of guys like Cole and Terry, true gents of the
game. I think Hughie plans to seduce a WAG.


Apparently Parker and Dawson were "ghosts" at training camp. Can you pick ghosts? If so,
Stanley Matthews must be a late call up surely?
 

In London. Took Hughie to the fruit market to see some genuine apples and pears.
Disappointed. They're pretty much the same as in Scotland.
 

Now in Carnaby St. Hughie all decked out in new clothes. Looks like Paul Weller and Austin
Powers got together and made a terrible mistake.
 

Probably not the best day to launch my new burger "The Kaiser". Not popular. An elegant and
commanding burger, but curiously humourless.

 

Ejected from Up the Creeks Comedy Speed Dating show, after the lady paired with Hughie
refused his offer of "inter-species relations".

 

Hughie gets a hard time, but he’d do anything for you. Unless it involves moving, washing or
wearing clothes at family occasions.

 

He was a keen musician for a time and tried to make music by blowing into his genitals in a bid
to become regarded as “…the fleshy Hawkwind”
 

 

He also wrote romantic poetry to a girl he loved, until the Police made him stop. Probably
shouldn't have spray painted it on her house.
 

 

Heading back to the van for a nightcap of meths and sock hooch.Madame Tussauds tomorrow.
Hughie swears he won't eat any of the exhibits.

 

Thursday, 3rd of June.
 

Went a bit mad on hooch last night and have "sold" the van to some homeless guys. In return
they performed extracts from "Waiting for Godot"
 

It was a good show but Hughie is in negotiations to get van back before lunchtime.
 

Planning to debut my new Wagburger today. Not much to it, but it is quite tasty.
 

We're also hitting the waxworks and the tower today. Hughie hoping to strike some kind of
sponsorship deal with the Beefeaters.


Haven't caused a faux pas on any of our visits today, although Hughie has in principle agreed to
donate his body to the Chamber of Horrors.
 

Although at The Tower of London, staff forcibly replaced Hughie's "Kiss Me Quick" hat with a
hession sack marked "Do Not Resuscitate".
 

Thursday night so it could only be Walthamstow for a bit of dog racing. I've been into dog racing
for ages. They always win though.
 

Hughie has a wee choking incident on some candy floss. The resultant flailing of arms has led
some folk to think he’s a Tic-Tac man.

 

If Spotter's Lad doesn't win the next race, our chances of making South Africa or indeed
retaining the use of our legs will be minimal.

 

Ah, masterful. Hughie has caused the race to be abandoned by streaking across the track.
Never seen a dog try to commit suicide before.
 

So once again we're ran out on a rail. Traveling with Hughie is like being on the road with a
lobotomised Hunter S. Thomson dipped in brine.

 

Friday, 4th of June. 

 

Hughie and I have been on the road slinging burgers as we go and have only made it as far as
the south of England. Time to get serious.
 

Heading for France today and then a frantic trip to the South where Hughie assures me he has
arranged passage to Africa.
 

He assures this will not involve pirates. It will of course involve pirates.
 

"Pirates? Don't be daft!" He splurts with a blood curdling "haharrr", waving his plastic toy cutlass
at me.

 

Hughie giving the game away somewhat by sporting and eye patch and jolly rodger head scarf
as he drives.

About to hit Troyes. Been on the road all day. Forcing Hughie to stop and set up in Musée d'Art
Moderne car park. Art fans love a burger.
 

Hughie wilder than usual. Caught him huffing beef dripping earlier. "LA Woman" has been on a
loop in the van for the last 7 straight hours.
 

Keeps muttering about how everything is "...beautiful" and "...the colours". Got to get some
salad into this man. He's beefing out.
 

The trip over on the ferry was a nightmare. Hughie stole a lifeboat saying he would "...race me
to Marseille". I blame Top Gear.
 

Anyway, who knew channel ferries had a brig?
 

The Captain did let us out in time for some food. Sadly, sight of Hughie caused several diners to
abandon ship. Some others merely hope.

 

Still a bit annoyed with Hughie. That said, I don't know what I expected from a man who
considers sea-sick a delicacy.

Saturday, 5th of June.

 Oh. My. God. Lyon has a Strip Tease retrospective at the Museum of Contemporary Art. Hughie
has duct taped his foot to the accelerator.
 

Should I tell Hughie it's just a witty title for a Ben Vautier retrospective? Don't like the way his
blowhole flares when he's excited.

 

Not saying H isn't entitled to love but an appropriate mate would require a series of freak
accidents or an attempt to mutate the species.

Sunday, 6th of June.

At a bit of a loose end today in Marseille. Hughie's been away talking to a Mr Charnier about bringing some packages back to Britain on our way back.
 

Mr Charnier seems like a nice man; very suave and dapper, but you mustn't look at him in the
eye.
 

I would post some photos I took of us all last night but one of Mr C's friends wanted to look at
my camera and unfortunately dropped it.
 

He then accidentally stamped on it 14 or 15 times. He gave me the bits back though, which was
nice.
 

Think I'll have a wander and see if I can find Hughie - he's arranged for us to sail to Africa
tomorrow, hopefully on a boat.
 

No-one's seen Hughie. Worrying. He did claim he was fluent in French, but it soon became
obvious he meant English in an 'allo 'allo accent.
 

One wonders how long he can say "hehawhehawhehaw" after every sentence before he gets a
proper doing.
 

Found Hughie back at the van. Apparently he was kidnapped by human traffickers who then
released him, not sure he was entirely human.
 

Hughie a bit down following his release. Thankfully all the French bars are showing #Socceraid
because of Zindane, which should cheer him up
 

Hughie demanding fine wines. Unfortunately I don't know the French for "He really means Vimto". I sense international incident.
 

Combination of fizzy drinks, football and boy bands proving too much for Hughie. He's bouncing around like a hideous beach ball.
 

Hughie and I enjoying some half-time escargot. Similar to the ones growing on Hughie's back but nicer with a bit of butter and olive oil.

 

Genuinely puzzled to see big Joe still on. Has to be the most cumbersome and least co-ordinated proper sports champion of all time.

 

Enjoyed that, especially the appearance of that Baker lad. After a week plus travelling with Hughie it's nice to see a different mentalist.

 

So England beaten on PKs. Never saw that coming.

 

Follow Stan and Hughie on A2bworldcup Twitter

  

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