Best Twitter for the World Cup

Written by Dave Allan Wednesday, 02 June 2010 22:36

England World Cup Blog

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If you are a Twitter person or not I would seriously recommend the feed twitter.com/a2bworldcup. Be warned it is not your usual account pumping out self serving links to its own content but a pretty clever and surreal ongoing tale of a Scotsman trying to reach South Africa in a burger van.

 

It started late last month with this Tweet.

 

Monday 24th of May

17:31:55 My name is Stan Logan (mates call me Spanner) and I am Scotsman travelling to South Africa to support England. Why? Stick around to find out

17:32:58 So last year an England player (crass to say who) visited my school to give a talk. What a gent! Wasn’t even part of his community service.

17:34:53 He taught us a lot. About determination, dignity and how to combine jewellery and expensive sportswear.

17:35:32 Anyway, when he left to open a local business called Platinum Dolls he left a bag of his stuff behind.

17:35:48 We chased after him when we realised, but his chopper had already left.

17:39:59 Mr Lyons at the newsagent says he doesn’t need me this summer, so I though I’d embark on a quest.

17:41:28 So I’m off to South Africa to return the bag and hopefully blag my way into a couple of games. Wish me luck!

18:02:18 Ok, first obstacle encountered. Mum will only give me bus fare into Kirkmilton.

18:58:58 Right, made it into Kirkmilton with enough left for a tomato juice. Will take in the England v Mexico game.

19:09:10 Nice guy in the pub has bought me a drink. Seems quite interested in photography. Who's Robert Mapplethorpe?

19:15:02 Had a look in the bag while on bus. Usual footballer stuff - copy of "Everybody Poops", diamond studded ocelot collar and a live peacock.

21:02:58 Just woke up in the bus station. Legs not working. Suddenly hate cameras. Man in a big hat helped me up and asked me if I’m “new in town”.

21:24:36 Police have dropped me back at my house. Mum not chuffed, she’d rented my bedroom. Will re-boot the quest tomorrow!

Tuesday, 25th of May.

09:48:56 Been looking through the bag left by my England star again. Found a notebook. May be a diary may be spelling practice.

13:20:51 Back on the road to South Africa. Managed to hitch a lift. Guy who's picked me up keeps calling me "Flesh". Told him loads my name is Stan!

17:11:28 Ok, looks like this guy might want to eat me. Keeps muttering about the "coming apocalypse". Going to do a bolt next chance I get...

17:49:15 I’m Stan and I’m on a quest to get to South Africa to return a bag and hopefully catch some footy. Right now; trying to avoid a cannibal.

17:51:54 Managed to ditch the guy trying to eat me. Unfortunately I am now in forest in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by hard looking badgers.

18:20:48 Phew! Badgers have accepted me as one of their own. All I had to do was savage a ferret.

19:46:39 Badgers have left me alone for now so had a look in the bag for grub. Found a pair of platinum cycling clips. Not as tasty as they sound.

20:37:42 Stirred from a fitful sleep by an elderly man. Apparently I'm not in a forest, I'm in his garden. Only a couple of streets from Mums.

20:40:33 Waiting for the Police, I watch one of my fave World Cup moments http://bit.ly/anGc6M - even Charlie Chaplin's ghost turns up 8mins 25 in.

Wednesday, 26th of May.

08:16:05 My name is Stan and I'm on a South African World Cup quest to return an England Star's bag and catch some footy.

08:20:33 Day 3: Got a job in a burger van to finance trip. Hughie usually sets up in Kirkmilton B&Q car park. Trying to get him to head for Dover.

15:10:37 Been quizzing customers on how they think England will do this summer. Most common response? "Just gies ma burger."Fair enough I suppose.

17:14:10 Realise when paid that I'm not earning enough to make this or NEXT World Cup. Hughie not convinced the van would thrive in Joburg either.

17:16:51 While I'm checking my pennies I wonder what people think about England's forward options for the final 23. Rooney, Crouch and Defoe enough?

17:21:09 Great news! Hughie has reconsidered! He's changing the name of the van to "Bafana Bafana Burger" and has painted an SA flag on the bonnet.

17:24:26 Rainbow World Cup here we come! We leave in the morning! Next stop South Africa! Well, Gretna services, but you get the idea...

Thursday, 27th of May.

08:15:08 Hi I'm Stan and I'm heading to South Africa with my new best mate Hughie in a burger van. Join me!

08:17:16 Just getting ready to leave. Mum in tears. She thought I was a burglar and misdirected the Mace she sprayed at me. Emotional.

08:19:58 My travelling pal Hughie is a recent football convert and doesn't know much about who to look out for at the World Cup. Any suggestions?

17:05:44 Having an egg roll. Have to vary up the all burger diet. Actually getting chance to speak to genuine English folk about World Cup chances.

17:08:31 Jim from Liverpool reckons England's chances are "negligible", which gets him extra sauce from Hughie for knowing a big word.

17:13:47 Several saying they hope over zealous refereeing won't spoil matches. We have to worry more about rules surrounding snack concessions.

17:27:35 Parked up in Darlington for the night. Like me, Hughie hasn't ventured much out of Kirkmilton. Blown away by the sights as you can imagine.

17:51:09 Hitting the town later. Hughie so taken by bright Darlington lights he's changed into his dress joggies. Watch out Chambers, here we come!

19:04:54 Struggling to find a pub that serves draft Buckfast. Hughie relieved as Bucky "...turns him into a madman."

19:58:49 Not even 9 and it looks like Hughie has pulled. That burger van is a babe magnet. No one's laughing at his elasticated waist trousers now.

20:00:55 Ah, no I've mis-read the situation. We're being chucked out the pub.

20:22:58 Watching Have I Got News For You through Comet's window. Hughie frolicking with a stray dog. Bruce Forsyth turning slowly into Basil Brush.

21:24:20 Night out in Darlington has gone a bit awry. At a house party in Stockton. Hughie having a trouser malfunction dancing to Rod Stewart.

Friday, 28th of May.

07:25:46 Hi, I'm Stan and I'm on a quest to get to the World Cup, return an England star's lost bag and catch some matches...

07:28:49 Somehow made it back to the van. Hughie is slumped in the corner wearing a sombrero, cuddling a pot plant. This Darlington, is how it's done

07:32:46 Hughie is fascinating. The only survivor of a suicide pact, years of burgers have left him almost perfectly round, like a sentient weeble.

07:40:53 People assume his squint is the result of a curse of some kind but it's actually very useful for seeing things at odd angles.

07:53:02 His main qualities are he is open to suggestion and has a van - makes him the ideal companion for me constant onion stench notwithstanding.

07:57:33 I know as we travel together that I will learn more of a "man" who so far seems to communicate more with his bottom than he does his mouth.

15:20:54 Still in Darlington. Hughie pretending he's still asleep. Don't think he wants to leave.

15:28:38 Used the time today to try a signature World Cup burger. So far it's just a bunch of mince shaped roughly into a globe. More work needed?

15:30:43 It's a variation on my "Bosman Burger" which is expensive, but you can back out of eating it two years into your contract.

15:31:32 Price thereafter set by tribunal.

21:04:59 Having a quiet one tonight. Hughie away back to Stockton to hear more about this "deodorant" malarkey they were telling us about last night.

21:26:37 While I'm at a loose end I've had another look in my England Star's bag. Found some sort of brochure. Lithuanian domestics are really cheap!

21:36:09 Pretty sure that notebook I found is spelling practice and NOT a diary. Otherwise my guy has "seen a pony" every day for 36 months. Bless.

21:56:16 Hughie still no back yet. Only his odour remains. Since I have no books or money I'm amusing myself by imagining Iron Man 2.

Saturday, 29th of May.

12:48:31 Hi I'm Stan and I'm on the road to South Africa with my mate Hughie and a van full of burgers. Will we make it? Next stop, Grimsby!

12:49:24 Hughie's just found out we missed Copacabana at the Corn Exchange, Stamford. He's pulled his joggies over his head and is refusing to drive.

12:53:09 Managed to cheer him up by telling him that the Carrington Steam & Vintage Tractor Show is on tomorrow. His wee grotesque face lit up.

12:56:14 Stuffed for cash so we’re fermenting our own hooch from water, white spirit and Hughie's discarded socks. Tastes like sweaty disappointment.

13:00:04 Being in the part of England reminds me of Dad's tales of the great Bridlington ladybird infestation of 1979. Harsh, oddly colourful times.

13:06:30 Looks like we're stopping off near Harrowgate for lunch. Hughie has a hankering for disconcertingly bland service station curry.

16:21:09 That's us ensconced in Lloyd's pub Grimsby waiting for the Karaoke. Hughie wearing a man sized baby bonnet which he calls his "fun helmet".

16:21:46 It's drawing the odd comment from family diners.

16:25:24 Hughie glad Milwall have been promoted. Was a big fan of The Surgery, hands down the dafted looking genuinely sinister hooligans of the 70s.

16:28:22 Later on Hughie has promised to sing his rousing version of "If I Was You're Girlfriend". He predicts tears and, quite possibly, blood.

Sunday, 30th of May. (England v Japan)

12:25:34 Tyldesley getting his racial stereotypes muddled in calling Japan's scorer "inscrutable". He'll have to sharpen up before the tourny proper

12:34:05 England's poor start has Hughie considering a switch of allegiance, from Shirley Temples to Meths.

12:48:52 As anyone who's been will know, you can't do the Grimsby area in one day. Hughie is bouncing about the Carrington Steam Rally later.

12:55:32 Hughie's gut oscillations are mesmeric, like watching a crumb speckled, badly dressed lava lamp.

13:01:28 England making it easy for me to support them at the moment by playing like a badly organised, disinterested Scotland, without the skill.

13:29:46 Honda looks to have had a few quid on 1-1 but is foiled by his keeper.

13:45:47 ...and Honda's bet now looks on, thanks to a daft own goal from Japan's earlier scorer. England still far from impressive.

13:57:12 Honda will be gutted. 1-1 was 5/1 or better most places. His mate owes him a steak dinner.

14:08:59 England get the cheeky win then. Hughie wants steam tractors now. He must be feeling lucky as he's wearing his special "scoring" wellies.

16:16:17 One of my fondest World Cup memories, watching this sensational game with my Dad. http://bit.ly/d9tFFf

Monday, 31st of May.

08:28:39 Just picked Hughie up from the Police station there. Rough night. I suppose him taking a tractor at some point yesterday was inevitable.

08:30:02 I’m pleased to say he offered the authorities no resistance as they captured him ploughing a local turnip patch at 4am.

08:35:06 Sadly, what H saw as a rousing tribute to the age of steam turned sour when his “turnip patch” was found to be a local remembrance garden.

08:36:22 Lot of people bandying about ugly phrases like “desecration” and “foul smelling simpleton”.

08:38:13 Thankfully I was on hand to show the Police Hughie’s “family album"; pictures of him and “family” carved from various root vegetables.

08:40:48 Mercifully I was able to convince them that Hughie wasn’t accountable before having to show the frankly disturbing shots of his “fruit wife”

09:31:35 Destination Nottingham today with a possible lunch stop off in Lincoln. Anyone that bothered about yesterdays very flat England performance?

14:24:26 Because we're in Nottingham Hughie has been serving burgers all day in his lichen green tights.

14:25:56 Eventually persuaded him to put on some other clothes as well but by then, we'd lost a LOT of customers.

Read Part Two - From High Wycombe to France

Click to read the latest adventures of Stan and Hughie on Twitter

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