Attempted fantasy John Terry Interview - Part 1

Written by Jason Dowd Thursday, 25 February 2010 00:00

England World Cup Blog

John Terry swaggers into the room still wearing his Nike Mercurial Vapour III football boots and scratching his predator X alpha male testicles.

He has come straight from an intense three hour training session at Cobham and his forehead is still mottled with droplets of fresh sweat. His swift aggressive darting movements towards the table show he is still running on training ground adrenaline.

He approaches dribbling an imaginary Nike Mercurial Fade III football across the Surrey pub carpet. He weaves through some of the regulars like they are cones, and they are grateful to be his cones because he is a demi-god and they are white van drivers.

I notice one of them who looks like he may be a plumber called Dave tries to crane his head towards JT and seems to instinctively open his mouth to try to catch a droplet of perspiration on his tongue, but JT nutmegs the prole leaving him with just a waft of stale sweaty odour rather than his desired payload.

They all clap him in unison like clockwork monkeys and a clinically obese plasterer drops his phone in mid conversation and sensing the occasion shouts "IINNNGGERRLAND!" . JT turns around and salutes the plasterer who loses his composure and starts giggling in an uninhibited schoolgirlish manner that starts to embarrass him as the moment dissolves.

JT high fives his press officer and talks to him in some kind of incomprehensible code that sounds quite innocuous but is probably loaded with legalistic questions and answers.

Satisfied the press officer has adequately briefed me, he signals the interview may begin after some uncomfortable eye contact and the assurance that anything "Frank Bough" from me and I will "'...ave so many mega-injunctions in your facking mailbox you will wanna slit your facking wrists."

Then to maybe reassure me this was just a formality and not personal he playfully jabbed my shoulder and added.

"Dont worry, you facking gay bastard. I can tell your not a total c*nt!". 

Read Part Two of the John Terry Fantasy Interview

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